The Perfect Publican

The Perfect Publican

Read this in the Summer 2011 edition of the newsletter of the Heart of Staffordshire Branch of CAMRA, Beer at Heart, while enjoying a pint of Bathams Bitter in the sunshine yesterday & thought I’d share it:

A Publican must be a Democrat, an Autocrat, an Acrobat, a Doormat.
He must be able to entertain Prime Ministers, Pick-pockets, Pirates, Philanthropists and Police.
He must be on both sides of the Political Fence, a Footballer, Golfer, Tennis Player, Darts Champion and Pigeon Fancier.

He has to settle arguments and fights, he must be a Qualified Boxer, Wrestler, Weightlifter, Sprinter and Peacemaker.

He must always look immaculate when drinking with Bankers, Swankers, Commercial Travellers and Company Representatives even though he has just stopped a “beer- throwing” contest in the Public Bar.

To be successful he must keep the Bars Full, the House Full, the Tanks Full, the Storeroom Full and NOT get Himself Full.

He must have Bar-staff who are Clean, Honest, Quick Workers and Thinkers, Non- Drinkers, Mathematicians, Technicians and at all times be on the Boss’s side, the Customers’ side and stay on the inside of the Bar.

It is said that the Publican: Home-wrecks, takes Weekly Wage Cheques, in other words Saturates, Confiscates, Deteriorates and Propagates.

To sum up: He must be Outside, Inside, Offside, Glorified, Sanctified, Crucified, Stupefied, Cross-eyed, and if he is not the Strong, Silent Type ̶ there’s SUICIDE.

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